Last year on January 6th—our first day back to work after the holidays—my boss announced that this year his resolution was to get engaged. He said it, I believed, half-jokingly, for A) who gets engaged within a year with absolutely no immediate prospects to speak of? and B) as a career-driven 50-something gay man in NYC who has never been engaged before, what proof did we have that this year would magically be The Year? Nevertheless, we, his assembled and ever-supportive team, had his back and admired the assurance with which he made his goal known.
This year, on January 5th—Greg* announced that he was to be married to his new Brazilian lover within the year. After dating long distance since June, they became engaged on Christmas and would be holding two ceremonies, one in New York and one in Brazil to accommodate the many friends and family that they have in both locations. I couldn’t be more thrilled for him, and even more so—impressed with his ability to articulate to the universe what he wanted, and make it happen!
I am not usually one for resolutions, but as I inch closer to 30 with every passing day and there is still so much left that I’d like to do, have, accomplish and see before that landmark birthday, I cannot help but be inspired by Greg’s story. Any skepticism I harbored before has been replaced by awe and renewed intention to make my goals known to the universe and acted upon.
“If your fidelity to perfectionism is too high, you never do anything.” —David Foster Wallace
When I originally began writing this post, I thought I would naturally segue into talking about my own whirlwind romance with a foreign gentleman, a recent affair. But as the passions of our brief liaison have cooled with simple time and distance (unlike my boss Greg, I was not able to keep up 4-hour nightly Skype conversations with my foxy foreign friend), I am left considering what it means to have intention, be it personal or professional, and the power we have over directing our own lives.
I am the first to admit that I hate failing. I hate pain. I dislike discomfort. Often I am so averse to experiencing any of these uncomfortable emotions that I stop myself from ever trying that which might end in failure, pain or rejection. By the same token, I am a perfectionist, and if I feel that something I produce will be below my own standards for art or prose, I simply will not begin. Thus my refusal to set resolutions: why set oneself up for failure like that?
But as writer David Foster Wallace so eloquently yet simply points out in the above quote, by refusing to begin (or finish) those projects that I worry will be less than the picture-perfect image I keep in my mind’s eye, I am robbing myself of the chance to learn and eventually become a master. I am not even taking that first step.
With this in mind, I have decided on one resolution for 2015: I resolve to fail. Spectacularly. For it is in the failure that we allow ourselves to learn and to grow. I want to fail myself out of my current rut and in the process, find the resolve to get back up and become stronger, smarter, faster, and more beautifully artistic than ever before.
Here’s to failing, with flair.
#forever25
*Name has been changed.
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